Struggles

Ok - so if you want a happy post - don't read this. As I have stated many many times this blog serves as mine and my family's journal. That said continue to read or skip.

As you are all aware I have a son who died. Many don't think much about him because they never met or saw him in this life. Many don't understand why I am so emotional about him because he was born so early and often refer to him as a stillborn or miscarriage. This bothers me to no end - why does a date matter so much? If he had been born 3 , 6, or 10 weeks later would he be any different? I think not - you see my son wasn't any of those things. He was tiny little soul who came to this earth to save his mother and father and who was to perfect to stay on this earth. He was my little son who lived for ten minutes in my arms, who kicked his feet and moved his hands. A miscarriage doesn't have a birth certificate and a death certificate or a social security number for that matter. I can't believe how much I value those pieces of papers. It makes me want to wave them to the world to prove that he did come and he did exist. I should state here that even if I didn't have those papers my son wouldn't be any less of a baby - Thank you Scott's mommy for reminding me and others of this.

The past year as been a horrible struggle for me with regard to his death. I know I have said it several times before, but I am finally understanding why. It's part of the stages of grief that I never let myself go through when he did die. Kaleb has in part brought this to the surface as I am now buying the cute little blue things I should have bought 3 years ago. I don't blame Kaleb - I am grateful to him for this. Grateful to have a little boy who is such a charmer and his own person and yet a reminder of another little boy who touched my heart. I don't post pictures of Nathan on my blog, although I do have them, because nobody other than his mother would think he was beautiful. He wasn't the chubby pink skinned newborn - but rather a perfect miniature sized baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes who fit into the palms of both my hands. If you want to know what Nathan looks like all you have to do is look at Kaleb and Brynna - although he didn't have their ears - he had Hannah's ears. He shares the same nose with all my kids - but he did have a long face like Brynna's. He was tiny - but those features were obvious even then. With Brynna and Kaleb's births I have looked at them as newborns and have seen Nathan flash before my eyes. Indeed a blessing to this mother's broken heart.

Anyhow, enough of the tears today - this mother needs to be a mother to her other three children who God let stay here with me. So if my blog gets to be a little emotional and filled with Nathan it's because I am finally letting my heart heal - but in order to do that I have to scrape away some of the scabs of sadness and anger. You want to help? Remember Nathan and his birthday, ask me about him, visit his grave and put flowers on it for me since I live so far away, most importantly however, don't call my son anything less than what he was - my perfect tiny son.

This is a poem written by another angel's grandmother - but changed for Nathan

He Came As A Whisper
by Christine Young
"He came as a whisper, soft, sweet, innocent. He fell upon us silently, invading our heartstrings, pulling and tugging. He drank in our tears and listened to them silently fall. Silent echos of love filled that small room in those precious few minutes.
He came softly, without cries or tremors of fear. Life brushed across his tiny existence and kissed him gently good-bye. We cry out for time to cease that we can memorize his little face, the gentle slope of his nose, the hairs of his head, the curves of his ears. We gaze in awe at his perfect feet and fingers and toes, all complete but still.
Our hello was more brief than our good-byes. What wondrous soul did we meet in such a brief encounter this cold November night? When we meet again will we recognize each other? Will tears bathe our faces once more in joyous reunion? Good-bye for now, our little one. You will be missed but never forgotten. You have carved a place in our hearts, forever dear, forever our little Nathan. --November 30, 2006."

Smiley Kaleb

Our little guy is all smiles these days - we sure love him a ton! We however, are missing his two big sisters who are still in St. George until Friday.

Our New/Old Master Bedroom

So we are back in our Master bedroom and its so nice! We put new carpet in on Monday and my hubby was more than generous when he let me buy a new comforter set and curtains. I was fortunate enough that I was able to use some of my old decor with the new bedroom set - ie the pillows, candles, and plant, although I did purchase a new painting. Here are pictures of it finished,

My Beautiful Kaleb - Cherish Photography by Kristen

Yesterday I took Kaleb to my cousin for a photo shoot. She did a fantastic job and I love these sneak peeks that she put on her blog! Anyhow - she is great and you should totally book her to do your family pictures. She photographs here to So. Utah. Here is her blog: http://cherishphotography-bykristen.blogspot.com/

My cute Baby Kaleb

Kaleb is getting so big and so fun. I just love him. We have been in a motel for the past couple of days because of the bathroom remodel - so that's where the towel pictures are at. He had a rough night/congested and so I decided since we were not home and didn't have a humidifier I would put him in the shower with me. He loves to shower with me - he always snuggles in and falls asleep. It's so sweet. Anyhow here a few pictures of him after the shower.




Here are a couple of pictures of him under his new toy. He finds it quite interesting.

The New Nursery/Guest Bedroom

Well we finally got the nursery/guest bedroom put together. The little girls originally had this room, but when we got ready to have Kaleb I wasn't ready to have them sleep downstairs so we gave up our master bedroom to them and moved to the little room off the living room. Once we decided to sell the house, we decided we better switch rooms again - so the little girls are downstairs with an intercom system in the toy room, the office/guest room is now the office/toy room, we have the master room back (YEA), and we turned the little room back into the nursery but also put in the guest bed & trundle. Here are pictures from Kaleb's new nursery.

Bathroom Remodel

We are in the middle of major chaos at our house! We have gutted the bathroom and putting in/expanding a new one. Here are pictures of the mess we are currently living in.

New Nursery Decor

I finally settled on nursery bedding. It has taken me a few months to decide because I am too cheap to have to buy new rugs and curtains - I am hoping this set will work well. I can't wait to get it all set up.

Pure Craziness

Well this past week has been just that - Pure Crazy! It all started out with a few words -- Yes, you can work in St. George. Brandon's employer said it is possible for him to work from home and with that we have decided to try and sell our home. We figure if we can sell it and make a profit than we will head south. So we have been busy trying/thinking about getting our house ready. The biggest project is the bathroom remodel which was already scheduled to happen. We have had contractors in and out of the house giving us bids. We are in the process of once again rearranging bedrooms so that the Master bedroom is once again the master bedroom. We are converting the toy room into the little girls bedroom and bringing up the guest bed and putting it in the nursery, thus allowing the guest bedroom to become the new toy room. So needless to say, the house is a wreck - but I have done most of the laundry and that in itself is something.

As far as the kids are concerned - they are crazy as ever too. Brynna has been throwing royal two year old tantrums when she doesn't get her way. It's getting quite old. She is also always on the look out for treats. It's a good thing she is so skinny. However, she is going to be highly disappointed because this momma is going on a strict diet and there won't be any treats in this house. She is also really starting to talk and form large sentences. She is also learning her colors - we have the color green down.

Hannah has been clingy and wanting mamma a lot. She still tries to "nurse" - but we are working through that. Her newest and most delightful adventure to our horror is to grab any dish and watch it roll down the stairs and shatter. We have lost a few dishes and nothing seems to deter her. My girls are cute little monsters for sure. Also nap time is in separate rooms because they pull off their mattresses and use them as slides.

Kaleb is now 10 weeks old and growing like a weed. I am not sure how much he weighs but he is definitely filling out his 0-3 clothes. He is long and thin much like his sister Brynn. He also has the same two callics on the back of his head than she does on hers. His smiles are heart warming and he now is cooing. He is definitely a mommy's boy and that's ok with me.

There aren't any new pictures as my camera is in the shop. I should have it back this weekend - so stay tuned.

CLARIFY - GOING PRIVATE THIS WEEKEND

For those who had permission to read our blog last time we went private - you already have permission and don't need another request. Sorry - I should have thought about that before now. My head is a bit spacey!!